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Language Resources Automobiles Decoded - Dictionary - Poetry - Quotations

The Quotations section is for general quotes & jokes about automobiles.  Quotes about specific automotive topics or by persons in the automobile industry or motorsports can be found on their topic page.

"A Frenchman has invented a horseless carriage.  Which means that the French will have to eat more of their horses."  St. Paul Daily Globe, June 18, 1895

"Don't call them automobiles!  Call them abominables!  Call them that for me!" A.G. Sanford, May 1900, after losing his son to an automobile accident

"Through years of discouragement and effort they have worked out the problem, until to-day they have the perfected car, or one as near perfect as can possibly be made.  The American automobile, as a rule, has become standardized, and it probably can never be bettered, except in minor details of finish and refinement of small parts."  John North Willys, The Automobile as a Civilizer, 1909

“It does not take a great prophet to predict that the time is not so very far off when the good old horse will receive his well-earned rest, and become the pet, rather than the slave, of civilization.”  Alfred Reeves, General Manager of the National Automobile Chamber of Commerce, in 191

"We have changed a lot from the good, old-fashioned days when every home had a spare room and there was spare rib at Thanksgiving time.  Now the best we can have is a spare tire."  Ralph Record, 1922

"The road to the police court," mused the motorist, "is paved with good pedestrians."  The Passing Show (London, 1922)

"[There are] only two classes of pedestrians in these days of reckless motor traffic - the quick and the dead."  Lord Dewar (from Looking Back on Life, 1933)

"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf."  Lewis Mumford (from The Culture of Cities, 1938)

"Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car."  E.B. White (from One Man's Meat, 1944)

"The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond."  Edward McDonagh (from an article in Time, May 1963)

"The car has become an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete in the urban compound."  Marshall McLuhan (from Understanding Media:  The Extensions of Man, 1964)

"Climbing into a hot car is like buckling on a pistol.  It is the great equalizer."  Henry Gregor Felsen (from To My Son - The Teenage Driver, 1964)

"Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one."  Evan Esar (from 20,000 Quips and Quotes, 1968)

"Many of the temporary standards are unreasonable, arbitrary and technically unfeasible...if we can't meet them when they are published, we'll have to close down.  If we have to close down some production lines because they don't meet the standards, we're in for real trouble in this country."  Henry Ford II (on new safety regulations that were to take effect on 1 January 1968 as set in the National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act)

"Americans like to blast along over interstate highways at eighty miles an hour in big cars with every kind of power attachment, windows up, air conditioning on, radio going, one finger on the wheel.  That's what they want, and that's what they buy, and that's what we manufacture.  We build the best cars we can to meet the taste of the American people."  Henry Ford II

"Enid Nemy, that sparkling, star New York Times Style commentator, observed how car driving strains marriages almost to the point of rupture.  She quotes one wife: 'In 35 years of marriage, I must have traveled 100,000 miles in the wrong direction with my husband.  I've screamed and pleaded, but he's as stubborn as an ox.  Every time we get into the car the same thing happens.  I wear out my throat, and he ends up on the verge of apoplexy.'"  Malcolm Forbes (1980)

"As you move away from mass transit you become more dependent on the automobile, so you have to spread the housing out more to accomodate the cars."  Sandy Hornick (from an article in the New York Times, May 21, 1989)

"Remote villages and communities have lost their identity, and their peace and charm have been sacrificed to that worst of abominations, the automobile."  James Norman Hall

"My wife always drives in the right lane when she's on the freeway. One day I asked her why she stays in that particular lane. 'That way,' she explained, 'if something goes wrong, I'll have a shoulder to cry on."  Herwil Bryant, 2001 (via Readers Digest)

"It's all fun and games until someone has to be mopped up off of the concrete with a sponge."  Bill Crittenden, in December 2007, regarding Cannonball-style cross country races.

"That is a fantastic American view, the rolling hills, then the craggy mountains, and the slowly and incompetently driven RV in the foreground."  James May, on James May's Road Trip, episode 9

"Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches is." - unknown

“I do not understand people who will lustily throw $40,000 at the shiny red automobile of their choice, but well up with tears and become outraged when they are asked to pay $5 for a damaged videotape. Either they are fucked up and their priorities are fucked up or I am fucked up and my priorities are fucked up. Because I am me, I think it is them.”  Don Borchert, Free for All: Oddballs, Geeks, and Gangstas in the Public Library, 2007

“This shoppin' cart ain't broke or wobbly, just needs a round of wedge and a trackbar adjustment.”  Matt Crittenden, 2013

“Yet another way to make dreams come true...the dreams of people on the organ donor waiting list, that is.”  Bill Crittenden, commenting on the release of a new Ducati sportbike.

“Voting is like driving a car: select (R) to go backwards, select (D) to go forwards.”  Unknown, seen on a bumper sticker

“Why do barbers make good drivers? Because they know all the shortcuts.”  Unknown

“Being an atheist: it's like being the only sober person in a car full of drunk people, but nobody will let you drive.”  Unknown (from meme)

“A UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.”  Unknown (from a meme)

“Love is the feeling you get when you like something as much as your motorcycle.”  Hunter S. Thompson

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.”  Jason Love, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“We who live in Dixie wear our regional pride on our cars. But one driver probably has less to be proud of. His bumper sticker reads 'Southern Born and Southern Bread.'”  Sandra Faires, Muscle Shoals, Alabama, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.”  Alonzo Bodden, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I'd like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. 'Robin?' 'Yes, Batman?' 'Didn't we park the car right here, man?'”  Dave Chappelle, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted? I think around seven because that's when they start wondering, Hey, I don't look like the Kiwanis Club.”  Zach Galifianakis, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called 'new-car interior.'”  Rita Rudner, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost ten pounds and my driver's license.”  Larry the Cable Guy, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”  George Carlin, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”  Richard Jeni, September 2007 Reader's Digest

“I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.”  anonymous

“Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.”  anonymous

While reversing the car: “Ahh, this takes me back.”  anonymous

A bug hits the windshield while driving: “Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.”  anonymous

“Every time a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch to show them what I'm capable of.”  anonymous

“This movie's from 1972, so I had this great moment of nostalgia where I was like, remember when cars were just horrible rectangles made out of smoke? Everyone's just driving a tissue box around, pouring out oil onto a baby seal.”  Eli Bosnick, God Awful Movies, November 2016

“...they're the cultural equivalent of an industrialist still insisting that the car's never going to catch on and pouring millions of R&D dollars into a genetically modified horse that eats diesel.”  Noah Lugeons, Scathing Atheist, December 2016

“Empty cop cars are basically just scarecrows for people.”  Reddit u/FailTrooper via r/ShowerThoughts, March 2017
2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT
Photo ©2013 Bill Crittenden
2013 Woodstock High School Car Show
"Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built" - Henry Ford
View photo of 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT - 3.8MB
2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT
Photo ©2013 Bill Crittenden
2013 Woodstock High School Car Show
"Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports...all others are games." - Ernest Hemingway
View photo of 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT - 3.9MB
2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT
Photo ©2013 Bill Crittenden
2013 Woodstock High School Car Show
"Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports...all others are games." - Ernest Hemingway
View photo of 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT - 3.5MB
2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT
Photo ©2013 Bill Crittenden
2013 Woodstock High School Car Show
"If everything is under control, you're not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti
View photo of 2008 Ford Mustang Shelby GT - 4.2MB
There is no such thing as a bad day at the race track There is no such thing as a bad day at the race track.

Note from Bill:  Originally the idea behind this comes from the movie The Rookie, the short story is that there's a scene where the main character is struggling in the minor leagues and is ready to give up. He calls home, and remembers the life back there. He wakes up the next morning and tells his roommate in a really excited voice, "you know what we get to do today? We get to play baseball!!!" I think of that every time I see some mopey angry racer bitching about how hard it is after I've picked through the morning news of war casualties, starvation, and disaster looking for automotive news. I just want to say, "dude, you know what you got to do today? You got to drive a race car! And get paid for it!"

The motivation to get it out of the back of my head and share it comes from Bradley Carpenter of Last Lap Marketing and his "Motivational Motorsports Mondays."

January 2013
View full image - 717KB
If a fetus is a person, can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool lane? If a fetus is a person, can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool lane?

February 2013
View full image - 187KB


Trucker in a Brothel

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

Minister's Sign

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

From around the curve there was the sound of screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
Shared by Gus Philpott 18 May 2008

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